during my first few weeks in Sydney in Year One. my landlord Mr. Wu said, "I pray that God gives me a soft heart, so that I can cry..." these are some things people say that mean so much.
I like the the smell of 'wet', that comes off the warm concrete floor. I like the sound of the beating rain, alongside the grumbles of grumpy black clouds. I like the dim lighting of a grey sky blanket covers the sky. On a day like this, nothing really beats the comforts of home. I lay on my bed. I go back to sleep.
Have you ever had something come and go, Just as purposeless as it comes, purposeless it leaves? Like a passing train on its tracks passes by... Must there be a purpose for every happening? So as it is, some things are just weird.
you know, praying for things and then realizing the depth of what you say... really... is something worth considering. words are so easily written, or spoken to God... but when God starts to answer those prayers, its seriously sometimes not easy. so tell God, "I'm a proud person, please make me humble", or "Let your will be done" or "I really want to grow in godliness"... or "I want to start loving people more".... these are things so easily said, don't you think?
can you imagine how God would answer these prayers? to break a person's pride (opportunities that put your works to shame/to take away), to give up your will to follow God's (opportunities to deny your will/to take away), to love people more (opportunities of self-sacrifice, to give more of yourself/ to take away), to grow in godliness/character (opportunities of suffering, trials, tough experiences/ to take away), to be more generous (opportunities that takes away) ... ... the answer to these things sure ain't comfortable... nor anything easy to swallow... especially when many of these involves the taking away of some parts of our lives that are so precious to us. and so really most of these are what Christians (or very much, MYSELF) ask for all the time *just really sometimes not expecting the things in the brackets*
so this year, i've ever always asked God for things like those above, and this year I really got what I asked for (at least for some)... but it sure wasn't easy... perhaps, thinking back, this year's really was the hardest year i've ever had to gone through in the 21+ years of my life (21+ years ain't very long tho')... but a year where God has been so gracious, a year I've grown through a year of many lessons learnt and a year of many new experiences and things done... for that, i'm grateful, some of these things I'm comfortable sharing (but most of these things, I won't share cos its personal)
be-aware of what you ask for...
i guess journalling and writing the things you ask God for down, helps so much... it helped me remember the things I've asked God for (things so weird, and things needed), and God gave generously/graciously... it helped me remain thankful for those times... it helped me remember God and realise how He was really REAL and in-control of so many areas of my life... it helped me to look back at myself, and see how i've changed (not because i chose to change, really)... IT HELPS ME REMEMBER :D *so blame the STM (short-term memory for an aged 21+/22 year old)* and so i think prayer journalling is awesome... *i mean how many times, have we uttered prayers, and forgot what we pray for? i do that all the time... i don't remember what we prayed for in Church 3 weeks ago, 2 weeks ago, sometimes even, 2 days ago, sometimes 5 minutes ago.. (i'm not saying that's good at all)....
aside from remembering, it helps me to think through the things I pray for... i always remember the times where I just say "dear God, bless and help blah blah blah..." in less than 30 seconds, i decide to snooze off to sleep"... writing things down, makes you think about what you say... :D
so a strong advocate here, for prayer journalling :) :] :D
and of course in prayer, it is not always simply about asking and receiving...
Christianity isn't all about ourselves, but the giving of ourselves to God, and to others... sometimes, we ask God for many thing... many many many many many things... but sometimes, it is useful to start questioning why we ask God for the things we ask God for.
of course, its good to ask God for grace in times of suffering... for help in time of need... i'm sure it ain't wrong... (cos it's never wrong to depend on God in times of difficulty)... but it is also not always about asking for ourselves, for ourselves...
more often, it's really about the giving of ourselves to others...
God loved us, so we can love others... God blesses, so we can bless others... God gives, so that we can give to others... God forgives, so that we can forgive others...
i was looking at a past post... and so i decided to dig this out... i thought it was interesting...
Jordan,
Your personality is Phlegmatic Choleric
MelancholyStrength:2 Weakness:4
15%
PhlegmaticStrength:9 Weakness:7
40%
SanguineStrength:4 Weakness:2
15%
CholericStrength:5 Weakness:7 30%
http://oneishy.com/personality/ to read more....
Strengths of a Phlegmatic
The Phlegmatic's Emotions
Low-key personality
Easygoing and relaxed
Calm, cool and collected
Patient well balanced
Consistent life
Quiet but witty
Sympathetic and kind
Keeps emotions hidden
Happily reconciled to life
All-purpose person
The Phlegmatic As A Parent
Makes a good parent
Takes time for the children
Is not in a hurry
Can take the good with the bad
Doesn't get upset easily
The Phlegmatic At Work
Competent and steady
Peaceful and agreeable
Has administrative ability
Mediates problems
Avoids conflicts
Good under pressure
Finds the easy way
The Phlegmatic As a Friend
Easy to get along with
Pleasant and enjoyable
Inoffensive
Good listener
Dry sense of humor
Enjoys watching people
Has many friends
Has compassion and concern
and i wonder why there's so many good points to this (i mean "me")... haha. and i realise it is merely really just an ego-inflation thing... so take "a dose of ego". hahaha. (maybe that's what personality tests are for... to list enough "strengths to inflate an ego"...)
anw, amongst the countless random points mentioned, i thought i found one that's really accurate... just one... so that's why i dug out this ancient post...
and i mean, for listing all those points, i've gotta have one, at least, that best suits me eh....
so naturally... i found one...
genuinely the MOST ACCURATE one...
beyond a shadow of doubt...
and what people always tell me...
Dry sense of humor Dry sense of humor Dry sense of humor Dry sense of humor Dry sense of humor Dry sense of humor Dry sense of humor Dry sense of humor HAHAHAHAha ha ha ha *sure ain't raining yet... :P*
how important really it is to be a compassionate doctor... and stay that way!
you know, i'm already looking forward to next year when our phase II starts, where we can start talking to patients and getting down to doing more interesting stuff... and but i was thinking about easily it'd be for me, after going through patient after patient after patient, to start treating patients as patients, not as people.
in medicine, i guess, while professional lines should be drawn, every patient you face still is a person... and a person who should not be just defined by his illness... i.e. "He's patient XXX with a heart problem..." maybe that's why they've trained us to ask about psycho-social issues, to ask about worries, to ask about concerns, to ask about many things other than just the defining illness itself...
so that's just the first step.
a christian doctor.... has to take two steps to take.
compassion perhaps is the next step to go.
as doctors, we can give professional holistic advice to patients...but as christian doctors, i guess, being able to empathize, being able to 'share' a person's suffering, to understand that patients are people too, really is what compassion is about.
"a patient is a doctor's neighbour"
you know, one thing i really fear in the course of studying medicine, and something I have to constantly keep in check, is how i may one day i may just lose compassion for ill/suffering people... "seeing 1000 patients with cancer, doesn't make the 1001st patient less important."
so while admittedly, we won't be able to bear everyone's burden, i guess, its still important that we don't lose compassion for individual patients... you know, i reckon many medical students who want to be doctors, start off with the ideal of 'helping' people who are suffering from disease, a compassionate ideal, which becomes lost so easily in the sea of patients...
so how does this tie in with being a christian?
the bible talks about loving your Neighbour as yourself... in many ways, patients make a doctor's neighbour. in this, loving someone should not be limited by professional boundaries... loving people transcends these boundaries... and perhaps "a christian doctor who shows compassion to a person who's ill is really a consequence/result/act of his love for people, a love that crosses his professional boundaries...
so, this doesn't only apply to doctors... but to all Christians in whatever situation they find themselves in (be you a doctor/engineer/lawyer/salesman/banker/employee... ... to whoever your neighbor be...)
and ultimately... love others because God first loved us... and that's evangelistic.
"He is no fool to lose what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose" Jim Elliot. Shadow of the Almighty
i'm gonna start reading this awesome book. tho' i tried on the aeroplane back... i'm not an avid reader, and i have short concentration span... and "I can't read" is always my excuse but a genuine one... so it takes more patience, determination, concentration, motivation to go through a single book...
***if i were to count the number of storybooks containing more than a 100 pages that i've completed reading in my entire life, i think i could use 10 fingers... in fact, 10 fingers may be more than enough... i'd probably use one hand.
things i need to do...
I need to prepare for my cambodia mission trip. I need to prepare for my my exams next year. I need to prepare for an application for some exemption thingy i'm trying for. I need to prepare for ....
maybe... i'll seriously learn Bahasa Indonesia this time round. maybe I should enrol for lessons... ... maybe then I can help out my mum in her indonesian fellowship. that'd be something interesting to do in Singapore :)
maybe... i'll pick up jazz piano from someone willing to teach me... i hope. i always tried to learn from YouTube... mannn its hard.
so i can't waste away my time... i shouldn't bum around like i did last year.
To God. be the wake of my sleep. be the first thought i think. be the air I breathe. be the life in me. be the words in my speech. be my hope of salvation. be my strength and song. be the God of me.
amazing grace... this is one of my favourite songs... perhaps, this year, God has really been really gracious to me... so 2 words... amazing grace... is really quite an apt description... and of course, studying about the Gospel this year... John... has been pretty awesome... it's really saving Grace... amazing grace... ...makes me more thankful/grateful always.
so the words goes like this
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now I see. T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear. And Grace, my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear The hour I first believed. Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come; 'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far and Grace will lead me home. The Lord has promised good to me. His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures. Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease, I shall possess within the veil. A life of joy and peace. When we've been here ten thousand years Bright shining as the sun. We've no less days to sing God's praise Than when we've first begun.
and so... bit by bit, so many things to thank God for...
i'll start off i thank God for focus this year.. and i thank God for our bible-study leaders who led the group so well. So jellybeans was a blast...
I remember during the church camp, I came out of the camp with a primary aim to live out a life of godliness as a single... It was something I prayed for... and it was something I really wanted... and through this year, God kinda answered my prayer... for that I'm grateful. so very very very thankful. and so blessed.... so blessed this year. I'm not saying I'm the most holy, godly person out there... cos I'm not... I'm really not... If i were to list out all my flaws, I could fill a whole page, and then probably, you'd see a totally different person than you think is me... but what i'm saying is that I'm thanking God that I ain't really the same-same person I was... last year.
so i realised, a life of godliness really starts by seeking God...
That is WHY I'm soooOOO thankful for coming to Australia, to be able seek God through focus sermons (josh and charles, ivan, linocln, andy preaching), through having awesome biblestudy leaders (lincoln, eugene, amanda, jono, weibin), through having spent time with awesome christian friends that really spur and inspire me... i'm thankful. grateful. really so blessed... so blessed... so blessed.... and so, i didn't change because I was hyped up to change myself... it wasn't like a "motivational talk" that does so... it was a such a subtle and gradual change that I didn't even realise, not until I read my diary entries, look at my past blog posts and compare the things I prayed for in the past. so i'm sure it wasn't me, but it was God's hand on my life... through the christian peeps around me... really it was... so i'm really so thankful to God for being able to be in Focus, and be around and learn from my leaders and friends, be led and inspired, be humbled and guided... and most importantly, spuring me on to seek God. I love God more than I had, really not because I did anything much myself... for that I'm thankful too!
so a big change, that i'm thankful for... or something really important that I learnt... goes something like this
Compared to last year, my questions were more argumentative... but this year, something important I learnt, is that some things are less worth questioning that others. also, things that you question about, really shows who you are inside... asking a question out of argument, really is subtle pride... i guess, i must have been a really proud person.
especially questions that are directed at "What should or should not a christian do?"... drawing lines to what a christian should or should not do, really is not the best question to ask... I gave hypothetical examples, to support my stand on whether doing something is right or wrong... to draw a line like the pharisees do... yea. my questions were very much similar in many ways to a pharisee... "Should christians pay taxes to Caesar? ..." really, the motives behind these questions were just to 'trap'... its ultimately, its effect is ultimately similar to my questions... it traps... maybe its cos theology to me, was like a debate... so the person, me, behind these questions was prideful and "argumentative".
so but more importantly, that changed. my motives behind my numerous questions, really changed... it did.
My questions became focused on "How this would affect me as a chrsitian? How this teaches us to love people more? How other things teaches us how good God is? How we should live our lives? How we can love God...? What are the underlying principles of being christian? What does being christian mean?" and these questions became questions that I would ask more often. Because, ultimately, questions should for the purposes of seeking God, and not for the purposes of forming an "argument" or "debate". so perhaps, that's a stark difference between my questions last year Vs this year...
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The 2 laptop incidents that happened to me, tho' a bad thing... really turned out for good. i'm not saying I'm thankful that I lost 2 laptops, cos that's silly... ... really, I'm still thankful for the lessons learnt. These incidents made my year so eventful, and probably made it pass so fast too.
I remember the first time i lost my laptop in the library. I was sad... really distressed... "WHY" is probably the the word i used most when talking to God... well, it wasn't really the best time of the year... and it was only about 1.5 weeks before my exams... I think thats really the worst thing that can happen for a student... to lose your laptop. So i lost my notes, I couldn't print out my notes without a computer, everything became a hassle... I was stressed, I couldn't study either. The incident kept running through my head, over... and over... and over... and over... and over... it really wore me out. But no one can really understand... not until you really experienced it first hand.
And so, I wrote to God... and I was desperate... Sometimes I asked Him to let me know why all these has to happen. Sometimes I asked Him to give me a bit of relief from all the stress I felt... It was a horrid period for me. Often, 5 minutes into studying, and my mind wanders off for the next hour thinking how my laptop ever got stolen, how things would have been different, what I could have done myself to prevent it.... it was *sigh* after *sigh* after *sigh*....
But you know, God was extremely gracious. i remember that very night after I lost my laptop... I prayed. I wrote to God. I asked God many things... "WHY WHY WHY...?" and also, specifically for several things...
one of which goes like this
25th April 1a.m. "I pray that you'd give me way to print my notes... cos that's what I need most now..."
and also I wrote this to God, in CAPS... as desperate as I sounded in my prayer... "HEAR ME, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU'VE HEARD ME"
... you know, in desperate times like this, I thought God was extremely silent... extremely silent... I didn't know if God heard my prayer at all... so thoughts like "what if this was such a small incident to get God involved with" went through my head... isn't it just a laptop... what is that to God?... and was God even with me through this... I ended off writing this down...
"So in this situation, please help me... Comfort me God... comfort me... Let me know you're real! because it's especially now that I want you to comfort me,,, because i'm hurtful inside... I am... I really am... To the extent that if you remained silent, I become so scared that you are not real... This feeling inside... I'm afraid God... please comfrot me... i'm afraid that you won't... or I don't see... either way, I need you to show yourself real to me now... Welcome to the worst day of my life... one of the worst..."
*I wouldn't say this was a model prayer... nor was is it something that we should all follow... at all... its far from perfect... really it is...
It was already 1.30 a.m. after I ended writing to God, I closed my diary, I turned off my lights, and just when I was about to lay on my bed to sleep... and something happened...
my phone buzzed... and chris (from medicine) sms'ed me, and said, "i wanted to tell this to you earlier, but I forgot... Let me if know you need help with printing your notes..." That was the first prayer answered... I never expected an instant answer to a such specific prayer... but i was encouraged by and comfoted by Chris's message.
and so, under my mobile phone hidden from view... lay a verse written on a card that I didn't see until my phone buzzed... and wouldn't have seeen it if i didn't pick up my phone to read chris's sms... so i picked it up together with my phone...
and it wrote
"When you call me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you." Jeremiah 29:11-14....
u know, perhaps, i really did doubt that God heard me pray... this reminded me that God listened to my prayer... it stood out like a God-answered verse.
whatever it was, may be conincidence... but even coincidences like that are in God's hands... it was really God's grace on me... You know, just small things like that, made me so thankful... so thankful to God... He didn't have to do it... nor did He promise that He'd give instant answers this way... but what I was so thankful for was God's grace, which was huge... really so huge...
so that night, I also wrote this down in my prayer journal "God, helpme to know that is for good... 'For you said all things work together for good.' " it was a verse that I just quoted out of the bible from Romans 8:28... I didn't know if it was quoted out of context or not... *cos its not always good to just quote verses out of the bible like that... but I just did... * and because tho' i asked God many tims whY it happened.... what I really just needed to know that it was for "good".... i didn't really need to know the a reason why it happened... I needed to know that God allowed it to happen... and He was in control, and the that He allowed it to happen for my good... *whatever reason it may have been.
so the next day came, I needed to study for my exams... but I couldn't concentrate... still! I just felt really really really stressed.... I went home early from the library... couldn't study anymore... 9.40pm, I leaned against my wall, and started to write to God again... and i wrote
25th April 9.40p.m. "If only I could cry, maybe I'll feel better... but I can't..."
I didn't really know what to write... I just wanted to complain, to vent all the horrid feelings inside out... but as I wrote, in the midst of writing... from above me, i heard a tacky-sound... and a piece of verse that I pasted on my wall dropped onto my left shoulder... and immediately I thought, "sigh* this is going to be another disappointment if I thought this was another "answer" from You and if it wasn't..." so i hesitated to look at it...
you know, when I was younger, I used to think that just by flipping the bible, to a random page, God can speak to me... so it was very much like when I had a problem, I tried to do it when I was young and sure enough, time, after time, after time.... really nothing happened. I didn't get any answers from God. haha. clearly, it was not the right way of looking to God for answers...
anw, so i thought, that in the randomness of things like verses falling off my wall, and if I thought it was a "sign" from God, and it turned out not to be... then it'd be just like all other times, just like flipping open the bible to a random verse, thinking that I'd get a "sign" from God, and not getting one... and I'd just get disappointed *so I am not encouraging people to do it this way, to always expect an instant answer like this*
so I remained apprehensive, but continued writing to God for a while in my journal, with the piece of verse on my shoulder... clearly, I didn't think very much of it... not until, i took it, and i read it... it was a verse from Romans 8:28 "We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes..."
I was pretty shocked... and didn't really know what to say after... cos I wrote asking God something so specific... to just help me know that this is for good... "God, help me to know that is for good... 'For you said all things work together for good.' " really, God didn't have to do this again... I was really humbled...
you know, asking and "expecting" God for things like that, or sometimes for myself, NOT asking and expecting God for things like that (like me) and when God gives so graciously *right in my face*... i really become really really really really really humbled.
so that was the 1st 2 days after I lost my laptop... and God answered, in the wierdest ways... in small ways...
at least, I was comforted to know that God was still there... i really was... *maybe in desperate times like this, I really didn't have faith enough to trust in God, and that's why God was gracious* For that, I was truly truly truly thankful.
the third day...
after what God has done in the 1st 2 days, some people would expect that I'd be fine... that i'd trust God more... that i'd have more faith.... that I didn't have to worry or be bothered by it as much... clearly, it wasn't the case.
on the 3rd day after losing my laptop... this is what I wrote to God... in its exact words... sometimes, I feel that these are less than a model prayer... much less an example to follow... its just because I'm not the perfect christian... really... i doubted God
27th April 2009 I wrote... "I woke up feeling better. I went to the library and did some work using the library computers... but now, God, my heart feels to down again. I'm depressed... to the extent that I really feel like crying... These smiles I put on my face... is just a fascade. I've got no energy to smile like I used to do.... How can I say I've got joy even in such a time?...What else can I ask from you now? What else can I ask from you? I'm drained... do you know how i feel God? don't you? Do you understand me as I seek so much to understand and love you... do you understand me God? or am I too small in your eyes? Am I? Should I draw back to my place as just another human, or Should I expect more from You? Should I? Can I? I want to... now because I really want to know you are real..."
you know... to think that I still asked God for more, don't you think it's really too much to ask for?... i asked God to show me that He's real again... after the what He's done for me on the 1st 2 days... really... its kinda only shows how faithless I can be... so really, i'm not a perfect christian,
and so, that night... i went home... as I was about to try and sleep... and strangely enough as i lay on my bed... another verse dropped off my wall... *this time I was really less apprehensive... but I still doubted, cos I didn't want to be disapointed, to expect something you think is from God which turns out not to be* so but, I picked it up, and I read it... it was queer... a queer thing...
"I give you my assurance, whatever you ask the Father, he will give you in my name Until now, you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you shall recieve, that you joy may be full..." John 16:22-24... clearly, some would say using this verse in a situation like this, could be out of context.... butttt.... it answered me so specifically, and it comforted me... especially when I wrote to God something so specific saying "How can I say I've got joy even in such a time?...What else can I ask from you now? What else can I ask from you?", I guess, I could still ask God for the right things... you know, throughout these time... I learnt an important lesson...
I reckon, that asking and receiving isn't really the most important bit of this verse... It was about a complete joy that comes f.rom an assurance that God is there and that He is in control (i.e. in asking and recieving)... and that's really what Joy is... really, knowing God was in control, made me feel quite joyful... it was comforting... really it was.
so.... these 3 days.... there's a story to the fourth day... but i'll keep it to three days... :D
for these 3 days... I'm most thankful to God... grateful... sometimes, sharing a testimony like this ain't easy and especially when people may start to think "could this just be a coincidence? is it biblical?"... but while this is clearly not an example to follow suit, it was a time where God was really gracious to me.... a time where I was humbled by the extent of His grace... a time where God was personal.... and that He wasn't a God too far away... a time where I really needed God because my faith was clearly shaken... a time which showed how imperfect I was, with little faith, but God helped me... it was humbling.
call it conincidences*... or some call it 'signs'... whatever you call it... i'd imagine if none of these happened, and that God was silent... it'd have been a very much harder time for me... to me... i'm truly grateful and thankful... and thankful for His grace... *i'm not advocating looking for signs from God... I'm just thankful for His grace... in this way, I've been blessed, so blessed, so blessed.
So that was the story of my first laptop...
and many more stories to share... about what I learnt this year...
This year, I must say I've really been blessed... so blessed... so blessed... so blessed... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.... so blessed.
You know if one word could sum up this year, I'd say...
THANKFULNESS/GRATEFULNESS
That's 2 words tho'. I'm really so thankful to God for so many things... you have no idea how much I really am.
Even though, this year has beeeeeeeeN a really eventful year, seriously eventful... but still, thankful beyond words when I see how God has been faithful still... extremely faithful throughout this year... and seeing how I've kinda changed so much... ... I read my past diary entries/private blog posts... and I realise I'm not really the same person I used to be... The change is huge, but the process is subtle... I don't realise it.
So, await an extremely long post... cos its coming up... A reflective one...
As for now, I just say I'll just say I do actually love God a lot... much more than I've had before.
