and so... bit by bit, so many things to thank God for...

i'll start off i thank God for focus this year.. and i thank God for our bible-study leaders who led the group so well. So jellybeans was a blast...

I remember during the church camp, I came out of the camp with a primary aim to live out a life of godliness as a single... It was something I prayed for... and it was something I really wanted... and through this year, God kinda answered my prayer... for that I'm grateful. so very very very thankful. and so blessed.... so blessed this year. I'm not saying I'm the most holy, godly person out there... cos I'm not... I'm really not... If i were to list out all my flaws, I could fill a whole page, and then probably, you'd see a totally different person than you think is me... but what i'm saying is that I'm thanking God that I ain't really the same-same person I was... last year.

so i realised, a life of godliness really starts by seeking God...

That is WHY I'm soooOOO thankful for coming to Australia, to be able seek God through focus sermons (josh and charles, ivan, linocln, andy preaching), through having awesome biblestudy leaders (lincoln, eugene, amanda, jono, weibin), through having spent time with awesome christian friends that really spur and inspire me... i'm thankful. grateful. really so blessed... so blessed... so blessed.... and so, i didn't change because I was hyped up to change myself... it wasn't like a "motivational talk" that does so... it was a such a subtle and gradual change that I didn't even realise, not until I read my diary entries, look at my past blog posts and compare the things I prayed for in the past. so i'm sure it wasn't me, but it was God's hand on my life... through the christian peeps around me... really it was... so i'm really so thankful to God for being able to be in Focus, and be around and learn from my leaders and friends, be led and inspired, be humbled and guided... and most importantly, spuring me on to seek God. I love God more than I had, really not because I did anything much myself... for that I'm thankful too!

so a big change, that i'm thankful for... or something really important that I learnt... goes something like this

Compared to last year, my questions were more argumentative... but this year, something important I learnt, is that some things are less worth questioning that others. also, things that you question about, really shows who you are inside... asking a question out of argument, really is subtle pride... i guess, i must have been a really proud person.

especially questions that are directed at "What should or should not a christian do?"... drawing lines to what a christian should or should not do, really is not the best question to ask... I gave hypothetical examples, to support my stand on whether doing something is right or wrong... to draw a line like the pharisees do... yea. my questions were very much similar in many ways to a pharisee... "Should christians pay taxes to Caesar? ..." really, the motives behind these questions were just to 'trap'... its ultimately, its effect is ultimately similar to my questions... it traps... maybe its cos theology to me, was like a debate... so the person, me, behind these questions was prideful and "argumentative".

so but more importantly, that changed. my motives behind my numerous questions, really changed... it did.

My questions became focused on "How this would affect me as a chrsitian? How this teaches us to love people more? How other things teaches us how good God is? How we should live our lives? How we can love God...? What are the underlying principles of being christian? What does being christian mean?" and these questions became questions that I would ask more often. Because, ultimately, questions should for the purposes of seeking God, and not for the purposes of forming an "argument" or "debate". so perhaps, that's a stark difference between my questions last year Vs this year...




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The 2 laptop incidents that happened to me, tho' a bad thing... really turned out for good. i'm not saying I'm thankful that I lost 2 laptops, cos that's silly... ... really, I'm still thankful for the lessons learnt. These incidents made my year so eventful, and probably made it pass so fast too.

I remember the first time i lost my laptop in the library. I was sad... really distressed... "WHY" is probably the the word i used most when talking to God... well, it wasn't really the best time of the year... and it was only about 1.5 weeks before my exams... I think thats really the worst thing that can happen for a student... to lose your laptop. So i lost my notes, I couldn't print out my notes without a computer, everything became a hassle... I was stressed, I couldn't study either. The incident kept running through my head, over... and over... and over... and over... and over... it really wore me out. But no one can really understand... not until you really experienced it first hand.

And so, I wrote to God... and I was desperate... Sometimes I asked Him to let me know why all these has to happen. Sometimes I asked Him to give me a bit of relief from all the stress I felt... It was a horrid period for me. Often, 5 minutes into studying, and my mind wanders off for the next hour thinking how my laptop ever got stolen, how things would have been different, what I could have done myself to prevent it.... it was *sigh* after *sigh* after *sigh*....

But you know, God was extremely gracious. i remember that very night after I lost my laptop... I prayed. I wrote to God. I asked God many things... "WHY WHY WHY...?" and also, specifically for several things...

one of which goes like this

25th April 1a.m.
"I pray that you'd give me way to print my notes... cos that's what I need most now..."

and also I wrote this to God, in CAPS... as desperate as I sounded in my prayer...
"HEAR ME, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU'VE HEARD ME"

... you know, in desperate times like this, I thought God was extremely silent... extremely silent... I didn't know if God heard my prayer at all... so thoughts like "what if this was such a small incident to get God involved with" went through my head... isn't it just a laptop... what is that to God?... and was God even with me through this... I ended off writing this down...

"So in this situation, please help me... Comfort me God... comfort me... Let me know you're real! because it's especially now that I want you to comfort me,,, because i'm hurtful inside... I am... I really am... To the extent that if you remained silent, I become so scared that you are not real... This feeling inside... I'm afraid God... please comfrot me... i'm afraid that you won't... or I don't see... either way, I need you to show yourself real to me now... Welcome to the worst day of my life... one of the worst..."

*I wouldn't say this was a model prayer... nor was is it something that we should all follow... at all... its far from perfect... really it is...

It was already 1.30 a.m. after I ended writing to God, I closed my diary, I turned off my lights, and just when I was about to lay on my bed to sleep... and something happened...

my phone buzzed... and chris (from medicine) sms'ed me, and said,
"i wanted to tell this to you earlier, but I forgot... Let me if know you need help with printing your notes..." That was the first prayer answered... I never expected an instant answer to a such specific prayer... but i was encouraged by and comfoted by Chris's message.

and so, under my mobile phone hidden from view... lay a verse written on a card that I didn't see until my phone buzzed... and wouldn't have seeen it if i didn't pick up my phone to read chris's sms... so i picked it up together with my phone...

and it wrote

"When you call me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you." Jeremiah 29:11-14....

u know, perhaps, i really did doubt that God heard me pray... this reminded me that God listened to my prayer... it stood out like a God-answered verse.

whatever it was, may be conincidence... but even coincidences like that are in God's hands... it was really God's grace on me... You know, just small things like that, made me so thankful... so thankful to God... He didn't have to do it... nor did He promise that He'd give instant answers this way... but what I was so thankful for was God's grace, which was huge... really so huge...

so that night, I also wrote this down in my prayer journal "God, helpme to know that is for good... 'For you said all things work together for good.' " it was a verse that I just quoted out of the bible from Romans 8:28... I didn't know if it was quoted out of context or not... *cos its not always good to just quote verses out of the bible like that... but I just did... * and because tho' i asked God many tims whY it happened.... what I really just needed to know that it was for "good".... i didn't really need to know the a reason why it happened... I needed to know that God allowed it to happen... and He was in control, and the that He allowed it to happen for my good... *whatever reason it may have been.

so the next day came, I needed to study for my exams... but I couldn't concentrate... still! I just felt really really really stressed.... I went home early from the library... couldn't study anymore... 9.40pm, I leaned against my wall, and started to write to God again... and i wrote

25th April 9.40p.m.
"If only I could cry, maybe I'll feel better... but I can't..."

I didn't really know what to write... I just wanted to complain, to vent all the horrid feelings inside out... but as I wrote, in the midst of writing... from above me, i heard a tacky-sound... and a piece of verse that I pasted on my wall dropped onto my left shoulder... and immediately I thought, "sigh* this is going to be another disappointment if I thought this was another "answer" from You and if it wasn't..." so i hesitated to look at it...

you know, when I was younger, I used to think that just by flipping the bible, to a random page, God can speak to me... so it was very much like when I had a problem, I tried to do it when I was young and sure enough, time, after time, after time.... really nothing happened. I didn't get any answers from God. haha. clearly, it was not the right way of looking to God for answers...

anw, so i thought, that in the randomness of things like verses falling off my wall, and if I thought it was a "sign" from God, and it turned out not to be... then it'd be just like all other times, just like flipping open the bible to a random verse, thinking that I'd get a "sign" from God, and not getting one... and I'd just get disappointed *so I am not encouraging people to do it this way, to always expect an instant answer like this*

so I remained apprehensive, but continued writing to God for a while in my journal, with the piece of verse on my shoulder... clearly, I didn't think very much of it... not until, i took it, and i read it... it was a verse from Romans 8:28 "We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes..."

I was pretty shocked... and didn't really know what to say after... cos I wrote asking God something so specific... to just help me know that this is for good... "God, help me to know that is for good... 'For you said all things work together for good.' " really, God didn't have to do this again... I was really humbled...

you know, asking and "expecting" God for things like that, or sometimes for myself, NOT asking and expecting God for things like that (like me) and when God gives so graciously *right in my face*... i really become really really really really really humbled.

so that was the 1st 2 days after I lost my laptop... and God answered, in the wierdest ways... in small ways...

at least, I was comforted to know that God was still there... i really was... *maybe in desperate times like this, I really didn't have faith enough to trust in God, and that's why God was gracious* For that, I was truly truly truly thankful.

the third day...

after what God has done in the 1st 2 days, some people would expect that I'd be fine... that i'd trust God more... that i'd have more faith.... that I didn't have to worry or be bothered by it as much... clearly, it wasn't the case.

on the 3rd day after losing my laptop... this is what I wrote to God... in its exact words... sometimes, I feel that these are less than a model prayer... much less an example to follow... its just because I'm not the perfect christian... really... i doubted God

27th April 2009 I wrote...
"I woke up feeling better. I went to the library and did some work using the library computers... but now, God, my heart feels to down again. I'm depressed... to the extent that I really feel like crying...
These smiles I put on my face... is just a fascade. I've got no energy to smile like I used to do.... How can I say I've got joy even in such a time?... What else can I ask from you now? What else can I ask from you? I'm drained... do you know how i feel God? don't you? Do you understand me as I seek so much to understand and love you... do you understand me God? or am I too small in your eyes? Am I? Should I draw back to my place as just another human, or Should I expect more from You? Should I? Can I? I want to... now because I really want to know you are real..."

you know... to think that I still asked God for more, don't you think it's really too much to ask for?... i asked God to show me that He's real again... after the what He's done for me on the 1st 2 days... really... its kinda only shows how faithless I can be... so really, i'm not a perfect christian,

and so, that night... i went home... as I was about to try and sleep... and strangely enough as i lay on my bed... another verse dropped off my wall...
*this time I was really less apprehensive... but I still doubted, cos I didn't want to be disapointed, to expect something you think is from God which turns out not to be* so but, I picked it up, and I read it... it was queer... a queer thing...

"I give you my assurance, whatever you ask the Father, he will give you in my name Until now, you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you shall recieve, that you joy may be full..." John 16:22-24... clearly, some would say using this verse in a situation like this, could be out of context.... butttt.... it answered me so specifically, and it comforted me... especially when I wrote to God something so specific saying "How can I say I've got joy even in such a time?... What else can I ask from you now? What else can I ask from you?", I guess, I could still ask God for the right things... you know, throughout these time... I learnt an important lesson...

I reckon, that asking and receiving isn't really the most important bit of this verse... It was about a complete joy that comes f.rom an assurance that God is there and that He is in control (i.e. in asking and recieving)... and that's really what Joy is... really, knowing God was in control, made me feel quite joyful... it was comforting... really it was.

so.... these 3 days.... there's a story to the fourth day... but i'll keep it to three days... :D

for these 3 days... I'm most thankful to God... grateful... sometimes, sharing a testimony like this ain't easy and especially when people may start to think "could this just be a coincidence? is it biblical?"... but while this is clearly not an example to follow suit, it was a time where God was really gracious to me.... a time where I was humbled by the extent of His grace... a time where God was personal.... and that He wasn't a God too far away... a time where I really needed God because my faith was clearly shaken... a time which showed how imperfect I was, with little faith, but God helped me... it was humbling.

call it conincidences*... or some call it 'signs'... whatever you call it... i'd imagine if none of these happened, and that God was silent... it'd have been a very much harder time for me... to me... i'm truly grateful and thankful... and thankful for His grace...
*i'm not advocating looking for signs from God... I'm just thankful for His grace... in this way, I've been blessed, so blessed, so blessed.

So that was the story of my first laptop...

and many more stories to share... about what I learnt this year...

a story for another time :D